I am the father of Anna Nicole's baby

February 14, 2007

Dear Friends

Yes, it is true. I am the biological father of Dannielynn Hope, the daughter of Anna Nicole Smith. I know that other imposters have been coming out of thin air, pretending to be the father, but they are all liars. Posturing bloodsuckers. I’m the real thing.

Several years ago Anna Nicole began coming to me at night, shortly after my wife would fall asleep. I didn’t even know Anna Nicole lived in San Jose, but she must have, because she came pretty often. To my house, that is. She would slip into my bedroom quietly, and I would know something was up when my hands started shaking, or at least my right hand would shake, and then the entire bed would shake, and then there she would be! Anna Nicole Smith!! In the flesh! In fact, she was… fleshy! She told me she was tired of having sex with frail skinny 89-year old men and now she wanted to have sex with a younger man. A sturdy, slightly paunchy 60-year old man. A man still sharp enough to remember to take his pills on time. A man who could still drive at night! A brave man with the courage not to have the hair on his back removed. A Jewish man!!! And the sturdy, more-than-slightly-paunchy, sharp-memoried, night driving, hairy backed Jewish man she wanted was me. ME!!! Believe me, that woman knew how to pick her sex gods.

At first all she wanted was sex, mindless silent sex, but then she wanted more. I would massage her until my right hand got tired, but it wasn’t enough. One night while the bed (and my hand) were shaking particularly violently she told me she wanted to have my baby. I tried to stop her. I said, “Anna Nicole – I’m a heart patient! I take 11 pills a day! My sperm count must be lower than your I. Q.!”

She didn’t care. She wanted me, and she wanted my sperm, or what was left of it. I was exhausted and my hand hurt so much that I couldn’t say no. I let her have her way with me.

Nine months later, little Dannielynn Hope was born. The hell with DNA testing: she has a hairy back. She’s mine. Next week my wife and I plan to fly to Bermuda, deport all the fake fathers, and take charge of the baby’s affairs. I’ll write again as soon as we finish refurnishing the house down there. Only the best for my daughter.

Come visit me! We will have lots of room!

Jake

PS: Despite what you may have heard on Fox News, Britney Spears did not shave her head to look more like me. Her new tattoos are a different story.

© Jay Wiener 2007